Use the body to lead, use the mind to dance, listen to the music, listen to her body. Keep these in mind, then one would not fixate on leading the steps but the quality of each step. It may sound abstract and it is difficult to do. One's body has to develop the muscle and strength to move smoothly.
If you watch old milongueros dancing, their upper body maintain at even level regardless what they are doing with their feet. Upper body movement is smooth, circular and calm even though D'Arienzo is playing. Less is more: less movement, deeper connection.
"Let her dream in your embrace and in the dance. Don't wake her up..."
This is what I am working on...